Hi everyone!
I hope you are doing well! I hope you enjoy this week’s audio newsletter. Please find the written version below for those who would prefer to read this post, or may be hearing impaired. As always, subscribe and leave a comment if you felt moved or have any questions for me!
Speak soon,
Lydia x
Hey guys, hope you’re doing well!
Welcome to the first COMMAND + B audio newsletter or podcast, if you will? Call it what you want, but I feel like certain topics I explore in this Newsletter will definitely hit different when listened to, rather than read. Like today’s.
But first off, a bit about me. I’m Lydia, I’m a South Londoner, born and bred. And yes, being a South Londoner is absolutely a personality trait. I’m an educator first and foremost in all things. I work in Edtech by day and create content by night. My loves include everything 90s, everything books and words, Harry Potter, and music and true-crime docs.
A bit about COMMAND + B. I created this Newsletter for a number of reasons. Firstly, it’s a way to keep me writing. But also, I wanted to create a space, where I could feel confident and bold enough to attack certain issues unapologetically. Issues that impact black women, society, self and a whole lot of other shit. Hence the name, COMMAND + B. So I hope you like this space to be honest and continue to journey with me as we grow, ground ourselves and heal.
Today I’m gonna be talking about friendships, and why sometimes, as difficult as it might be, you really have to prioritise your own needs ahead of your friends.
I don’t know about you guys, but when it comes to the turn of the year, I always find myself reflecting on the relationships I have in my life. Since the pandemic, I think this feeling has definitely felt heavier, as we have spent more time away from loved ones and in isolation. Having more time on my own has allowed me to reflect on the relationships, namely friendships, I have in my life, my role in these relationships and whether I truly feel these relationships are serving me in a real way. I just thought I’d share some of these reflections, as a way to 1. make sense of them, and 2. Just put it out there, in case it resonates with any of you.
As I said before, I’ve really been thinking about the role that I play in certain friendships. I’ve always prided myself on being a loyal friend, who is there to give advice and support whenever it is needed. I think I am naturally quite fiercely protective of the people that I love and that’s always been the case. However, as time has gone on, I feel like it has gone from being protective to fully taking on the role of a mother, and I don’t like it.
As the ‘mother’ within a friendship, you are viewed as someone who is content in being happy to serve the needs of others and neglect your own. Rather than being seen as a woman who feels deeply and also needs support, you’re seen as ‘strong’ and a person who has it altogether, so there’s no need to worry. No need to check in. No need to centre your feelings. And because you’ve managed to unknowingly assume this role in your friendships, you don’t have the luxury of showing up as a messy individual, like everyone else.
When it comes to my friends, I know that I have created a space where they can feel safe enough to be vulnerable and ultimately trust me with their hearts. But if I’m being totally honest, how often is that reciprocated? I’m not entirely sure. I’ve been the giver in many relationships, but have seldom received anything back. Now I’m not someone who does things for the accolades, but when you constantly give parts of yourself, it can become extremely exhausting. When the reality hits that some friendships have become exhausting, trust me, it is not a good sign. It means that something's got to give. And that’s the point I am at now when it comes to a few friendships. Not that I love these people any less, but in order to prioritise my own well-being, shit’s gotta change. Here’s a couple of things I’m trying to do going forward:
Firstly, it’s about knowing when to pull back and knowing that self-care is not selfish. You can only do so much for those you love. Be there, but always have an ear on your intuition. If your gut is saying “listen, it’s enough. Leave them to it”. Then you have to leave them to it. You can’t fix and save everyone, because that’s actually not your job. It’s definitely going to feel weird at first, because it’s almost as if fixing has become part of you, a personality trait. But that’s all the more reason to pull back, so you can actually give yourself the space to explore who you are without the fixing and saving of others.
Earlier, I talked about friendship being a safe space. If you feel like you’re doing everything you can to create a safe space for your friends, but they are not doing the same, you have to be honest with yourself about the friendship and it’s true dynamic. The space could no longer feel safe for a number of reasons. As time passes, we develop and grow with it. Because of this, it’s only natural that in some cases you will grow at different rates or maybe even grow apart. Don’t get down about it, be honest with yourself and practical about how much time you are willing to give to these friends who are on a completely different page or in a completely different space to you.
One thing I can also say is that as black millennials, a lot of us are putting in the work to ensure that any toxic patterns or generational trauma stops with us. There are certain things we are not willing to accept and these traumas are not something we want the next generation to inherit. We all have trauma we are having to deal with and work through. As we work through our own trauma, we cannot take on the trauma of others too. As a friend, you do what you can to support and encourage those loved ones in your life who are having a hard time to seek support, but ultimately, we all have a responsibility to ourselves first and foremost. Pouring into everyone’s vessel and leaving your own empty, in the long run, you are only hurting yourself.
So yeah, I just wanted to take the time to share those reflections with you folk. If you are going through something similar or feel like you’re at a fork in the road with a significant relationship in your life, I really hope this has resonated with you. To wrap up, I just want to highlight the following for you to take away:
Know when to pull back.
Self-care is not selfish.
I am deserving of a safe space to be vulnerable and show up as your messy self.
Pour love into my own vessel, first and foremost.
So please use these lessons as you wish. If you want to journal them, or recite them as affirmations in the mirror. Whatever you feel is going to work for you, please use these lessons this year and beyond, as we grow into new versions of ourselves. Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to listen, I truly appreciate it. If you’re not subscribed to my newsletter, you can head to commandb.substack.com and subscribe there. I tend to post every fortnight. Feel free to follow me as well on my socials, which is @justlydz_ on both Twitter and Instagram. I’m always down to talk about any and everything so let me know your thoughts by tweeting at me or leaving a comment.
Until next time guys,
Peace x
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