In December, the world lost one of its most illustrious and revolutionary writers and feminist thinkers. I was first introduced to bell hooks whilst studying for my first degree. I did American Studies for my degree, with a primary focus on literature and so studied a lot of feminist theory. By the time I started the second year of my degree, I was already beginning to figure out my research interests. As a young black woman at the start of her journey towards understanding identity and knowing self, I wanted to curate a learning experience for myself that would help me to answer all the questions I was beginning to have. bell hooks’ words in Ain’t I a Woman? Black women and feminism and Feminist Theory: From Margin to Centre were central to my research as I analysed the role of women within Black American literature. bell hooks’ examination of the effects of racism and sexism on black women taught me so much whilst I started to figure out my place in society as a young black woman. At the time, I didn’t have the language to really describe how I felt and what I was up against, however bell hooks’ words articulated it perfectly for me, and for so many other black women. When it came to shaping my feminism as a young black woman, bell hooks was truly instrumental.
In most recent years, bell hooks’ all about love, which was originally published in 2000, has definitely gone through a resurgence amongst black millennials, and so it is only recently that I read this book. Now a lot of us are hitting our 30s, the lessons that this book has to offer are more timely than ever. If you haven’t read all about love, in a nutshell, bell hooks talks about different aspects of love in modern-day society and using her own personal experiences as well as psychological and philosophical ideas, she offers a way for us to reimagine how we give and receive love. Through highlighting different aspects of love such as respect, commitment and trust for example, bell hooks challenges the idea of romantic love being the most important love of all, which is something society teaches us from early childhood.
Given where I am currently in my journey, reading this book truly felt affirming and just confirmed for me that everything that I am feeling and experiencing is exactly where I am meant to be. There are many lessons that bell hooks offers in this book, however, I just wanted to talk about one or two as I aim to keep these recordings to around 10 minutes tops. So the first lesson I wanted to talk about is that:
Love is a verb, not an abstract concept
I think this is one of the most important takeaways from all about love. I think society has made it impossible for us to have a shared definition of what ‘love’ truly means, which is why so many of us continue to search for it in situations which are unfulfilling. When speaking about how love can truly be defined, bell hooks quotes Erich Fromm who defines love as “the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth”. This is exactly where I am when it comes to understanding what it truly means to love myself as well as someone I love. Now I say someone I love as I am really trying to unlearn this idea of romantic love being the be all and end all. For me, love means showing up and actively doing the work to nurture not just your own growth in mind, body and spirit, but as bell hooks and Erich Fromm say, having and showing that willingness to truly nurture that same growth in the people that you love. I definitely have relationships in my life where I can see and feel that definition of love. I feel it with my sister, my parents, and my closest friends. This is such an amazing feeling because when it does come to finding that significant other, I feel like I now really know what being in the presence of true love should feel like.
This nicely brings me onto the next lesson I want to talk about:
We can learn the art of loving through community.
This is a big one for me, because this is something I have really been focusing on and over the past few years, have learned the true importance of exercising gratitude for all of the amazing non-romantic relationships I am blessed to have. If you know me personally, I am a true advocate for sisterhood amongst everything else. Whether it be a sisterhood by blood or a chosen sisterhood, I think the community that you build within a sisterhood circle is extremely powerful and transformative. In a world ruled by capitalism and patriarchy, having a community to sustain you is essential for survival. Nowadays, you see sisterhood circles raising children together and relying on the community they have chosen to make shit work. It’s crazy to me that the notion of friendship being less important than family is established from early childhood, when these types of bonds can teach us so much about those aspects and actions of love that bell hooks talks about, such as care, commitment, and trust. We learn to do these in our friendships and as bell hooks says, this can enable us “to bring this love to other interactions with family or romantic bonds”. Community is essential for learning how to give and receive love and this chapter in all about love really confirmed that for me.
There are so many other takeaways from all about love that I will always come back to, such as bell hooks’ lessons on loss and healing, having gone through a lot of major loss over the past few years. However, I just wanted to share the reflections I have had most recently. bell hooks’ words have touched and transformed so many of us and her legacy will definitely live on in the hearts, minds and hopefully, the actions of all those that she will continue to inspire and awaken. Her words have definitely inspired and transformed me and for that, I am truly grateful.
Thanks so much for taking the time out of your day to listen, I truly appreciate it. If you’re not subscribed to my newsletter, you can head to commandb.substack.com and subscribe there. I tend to post every fortnight. Feel free to follow me as well on my socials, which is @justlydz_ on both Twitter and Instagram. I’m always down to talk about any and everything so let me know your thoughts by tweeting at me or leaving a comment.
Until next time guys,
Peace x
Thank you to my sister, Lehana Rose and cousin Joel Dawes for their contributions to this episode.
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